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'Intolerance' and 'Discrimination' Discussion
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01-20-2010, 03:02 AM
(This post was last modified: 01-21-2010 05:20 AM by Teal'c.)
Post: #1
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'Intolerance' and 'Discrimination' Discussion
Intolerance and Discrimination
Book 1: Intolerance (Prologue, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14) Book 2: Discrimination (Prologue) Discussion Thread This is a discussion thread for the fics 'Intolerance' and 'Discrimination'. I'm intending to revise them from the previous two (for updated grammar, spelling and sentence structures): Intolerance (Original) Discrimination (Original) And I also intend on going from where I left off in 'Discrimination', hopefully releasing at least one chapter a fortnight. At this current stage, the chapter (and perhaps an additional chapter or two) I ended up writing for 'Discrimination' will be added to the 'Intolerance' storyline. So yeah, read, have a comment and hopefully I'll be able to stick to my intentions. "A Serpent guard, a Horus guard and a Setesh guard meet on a neutral planet. It is a tense moment! The Serpent guard's eyes glow. The Horus guard's beak glistens. The Setesh guard's... nose drips."
Paired with Sarah | Christian Alliance | Pokemon Battle Simulator Faltzer Wrote:I don't find it all surprising that you hire incompetent staff. Josh, like Azza had Stalinism too. Godwin's Law: "As an online discussion grows longer, the probability of a comparison involving Nazis, [Communism], or Hitler approaches one..." Please remember, if you are the person invoking Godwin's Law you have immediately lost the argument because it is such a lame blow. |
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01-20-2010, 04:16 PM
Post: #2
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RE: 'Intolerance' and 'Discrimination' Discussion
Such admiral goals! |D; I wish I had the willpower for one chapter a fortnight. I hadn't really read this before... the original I mean, but I have to say, it's impressive--the setting especially. It's just so original and intriguing. I can totally see this. It's great to see something other than a pokemon master conquering the world. <:
a couple of nitpicks "What are you doing here?' yeah |D A forlorn man in ragged clothing sat against a dilapidated wall, watching two armed men wearing black clothing and black caps, bearing the tag "KAPA", approach. seems like a mouthful of adjectives. Maybe split it into two sentences? A bundle of dark rags huddled against the dumpster, watching two black-clad men approach. Both were armed. As they came closer, the tag "KAPA" could be distinguished across their caps. or something anyway, definitely looking forward to updates ~~! {d e v i a n t A r t} .:||:. {M M C} .:||:. {S h a l i t e: a F a n t a s y N o v e l}
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01-20-2010, 04:50 PM
Post: #3
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RE: 'Intolerance' and 'Discrimination' Discussion
Quote:I wish I had the willpower for one chapter a fortnight. So do I. Just remember, it is the best intentions that go awry.  Yeah, you're probably right about that. I do not think there are any more sentences like that in the other chapters, and I probably don't intend on writing any more like that.
"A Serpent guard, a Horus guard and a Setesh guard meet on a neutral planet. It is a tense moment! The Serpent guard's eyes glow. The Horus guard's beak glistens. The Setesh guard's... nose drips."
Paired with Sarah | Christian Alliance | Pokemon Battle Simulator Faltzer Wrote:I don't find it all surprising that you hire incompetent staff. Josh, like Azza had Stalinism too. Godwin's Law: "As an online discussion grows longer, the probability of a comparison involving Nazis, [Communism], or Hitler approaches one..." Please remember, if you are the person invoking Godwin's Law you have immediately lost the argument because it is such a lame blow. |
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01-20-2010, 05:55 PM
(This post was last modified: 01-20-2010 05:56 PM by Mew.)
Post: #4
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RE: 'Intolerance' and 'Discrimination' Discussion
(01-20-2010 04:50 PM)Teal'c Wrote:Quote:I wish I had the willpower for one chapter a fortnight. of mice and men hahaha~ (01-20-2010 04:50 PM)Teal'c Wrote: Yeah, you're probably right about that. I do not think there are any more sentences like that in the other chapters, and I probably don't intend on writing any more like that. yeah that was the only one that stood out to me. {d e v i a n t A r t} .:||:. {M M C} .:||:. {S h a l i t e: a F a n t a s y N o v e l}
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01-21-2010, 05:19 AM
Post: #5
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RE: 'Intolerance' and 'Discrimination' Discussion
I've done some more stuff to chapters four and five. The most major difference is that, instead of one of the KAPA agents going unconscious, he dies.
"A Serpent guard, a Horus guard and a Setesh guard meet on a neutral planet. It is a tense moment! The Serpent guard's eyes glow. The Horus guard's beak glistens. The Setesh guard's... nose drips."
Paired with Sarah | Christian Alliance | Pokemon Battle Simulator Faltzer Wrote:I don't find it all surprising that you hire incompetent staff. Josh, like Azza had Stalinism too. Godwin's Law: "As an online discussion grows longer, the probability of a comparison involving Nazis, [Communism], or Hitler approaches one..." Please remember, if you are the person invoking Godwin's Law you have immediately lost the argument because it is such a lame blow. |
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